“Can you walk her home?” my parents asked. I remember walking home from the party with the man who hurt me. I was 12. The street was quiet, but my mind was roaring. Carefully, I watched the shadows on the street, the trees, the telephone poles and the 2 silent people. In the shadows, I could see me walking ahead of him to keep my distance. His slow easy gait followed behind seemingly unaware of the torture he was putting me through. When we got to my street, I told him I could go the rest of the way myself. I ran home, leaving him on the corner to watch. That night I remembered what I had tried to forget. When I was 10, he molested me.

My parents knew, I told them right after it happened. What needed to happen just didn’t. It was denial. As a result, my 12-year-old brain was raging at my parents for not realizing what they were doing. They were allowing a child molester to walk me home. I was angry and confused. I cried out to God. Honestly, I don’t know how I knew he was my only hope. I was being raised Catholic, getting saved or giving our lives to Jesus just wasn’t being taught, from what I can remember.

Something happened that night, while I stared out the bathroom window looking at a full moon. I found God. He rescued me from the anger and confusion I was experiencing. It’s a wonder to me how naturally I knew what I needed to say. “Jesus, I put my life in your hands, do what you want with it. I don’t understand why this horrible thing happened to me or why my parents didn’t do anything, but I am going to trust you anyway.” With my eyes transfixed on the moon, I came to know the God who made it. Now when I look up in the sky and see that moon, it reminds me of the day I decided to trust Jesus as my Savior.

My salvation was the good that came out of the evil. Understanding that such transformations take place sustained me through the years. Knowing Jesus really kept me from self-destructing. It would have been great if God instantly “healed” me that night. However, behaviors were already set in motion. It would take time to fix them. For example, after the abuse initially happened, I felt different. I clammed up and felt I was now different from the other girls in my class. Though I gave my heart to Jesus I still chose, unhealthy methods to deal with things. But what did I know? I was only 12.

The reaction to abuse is unique to the person. For me the outlook that would stay with me for the next 10 years started that night. The shadows were a safe refuge on the walk home. They let me know who was walking near me. They were my comfort because I could see what was going on. Walking in the shadows I could hide from the world. No one would see the hurt and pain that was inside. I became a shadow to hide what happened to me. Silence and denial became my way of dealing with the betrayal.

I was too young to handle the healing that needed to take place. Essentially, I tied God’s hands until I was ready. It would be 10 years, before I said a word about what happened. The abuse and the not talking about it affected me in so many ways. It altered my personality and shaped me into who I am. God alone was the only one I confided my fears and pain to.

Silence is an unhealthy way to deal with abuse. I see that now. If we could all go back and do things the right way, I wonder how life would be different for my family and me. Regardless of the struggles I have experienced and the issues I have had to deal with I can’t get away from the fact that because this happened, I found Jesus and he found me.

In high school, my shyness was a drain on me. I felt awkward around people and was terrified to date. I had trust issues and low self-esteem. Kids can see that and they make you feel worse than you already do. They kick you when you are down. So high school wasn’t a good experience for me. Then one day, Jesus popped his head up to see if I might like to try things a different way. I was already an outcast, why not be a Jesus freak too? So I started to study my Bible. The salvation I experienced when I was 12 finally began to transform a shadow into a person.

The college years were much better. I found Christian friends, who blessed my life. The comfort of not being an outcast or a freak was a good environment to grow in. For the first time in my life I had friends who cared about my journey with God. Though I didn’t talk about my childhood hurts with them, I was learning to trust and function in victory not victimization.

The fear of dating someone disappeared when I fell in love. That was a miracle in my life. He helped bring me out of my self-imposed shell. As we grew closer to each other, I felt compelled to talk to him about what happened. The strength and the mere idea of talking about it could only have come from my deepening relationship with my Savior. In knowing Jesus better, studying his Word and beginning to believe his promises, I had untied his hands so he could begin to heal me.

One day, I worked up my nerve and I told my boyfriend. He was so supportive. The weight of my world lifted from my shoulders. It was truly amazing how free I felt. He encouraged me to seek some kind of counseling, which I did in dribs and drabs. I cherished the freedom. Now, I had someone who knew the real me. If I needed to talk I had someone I could go to. Knowing I could talk about it with someone made all the difference in the world. Trusting someone gave me hope that I would turn out all right despite what happened and how I had formally chosen to deal with it. Though we eventually broke up, he was still an integral support to me for years to come.

During one of my “dribs and drabs” counseling sessions, the importance of forgiveness was presented to me. From the Christian standpoint we are called to forgive because God has forgiven us. This doesn’t negate what has happened to us, it allows us to let go of the bitterness and hatred. Sometimes, I have found you have to forgive again and again, as new anger resurfaces and new issues come up. It is best to ask God for the grace to forgive. We need to trust that God will take care of the judgments that will fall upon the guilty person. Whether it is through the judicial system or God’s own unique chastisement, no evil deed will go unnoticed from God’s eyes.

At a college retreat, a speaker shared how he was abused when he was 3 years old and never told a soul for 40 years, not even his wife. It was just eating him up. God wanted him to stop denying it happened and be healed. He used the example of Adam and Eve wearing fig leaves to cover up their nakedness. There was no reason to hide. God knew the truth. Adam and Eve knew the truth. God wanted them to be honest about what happened so he could restore them, eventually. God wanted to restore this particular speaker as well. He took off his fig leaves and told his wife. Eventually, he was able to share his hurts and experiences from the pulpit. He looked me straight in the eye in the middle of a crowd of people and said: “Someone in here needs to take off their fig leaves and stop hiding what happened to you. Stop denying it so you can be healed.” Whoa! A burning sensation came over me and I started shaking. Turning around, I looked at my then ex-boyfriend and he looked at me. We both knew this guy was talking to me.

The time had come to take the fig leaves off. I knew what I had to do. My old boyfriend prayed for me and held me accountable to making this next step: Remind my parents of what happened. They would know I had not forgotten. I could stop holding it all in and pretending I was ok. And I would finally know why nothing was ever really done. Sitting down with my parents and talking about all this stuff was a huge undertaking. It sure did lighten the load.

What I had learned so far is it takes time to heal. Salvation didn’t bring automatic restoration, but knowing Jesus started me on a healing journey in addition to all the other joys of being a child of God. When I was open to healing, God found ways to deal with unique issues that are hard to even verbalize. Forgiveness is for me to feel better, not to let the perpetrator off the hook. Finding someone to confide in brought a definite sense of freedom. Telling the truth did hurt, but silence hurt more. The intervention of certain people helped me to see it was not my fault and I am more than a shadow. People saw the shape and knew that there was more to me. They helped release me from the shadows and showed me that there is depth, beauty, grace and Jesus in me. I am the hope of his glory.

For you, I hope for 3 things. First for you to see the transforming power of God that turned a shadow of a broken girl into a woman that desires his work in her life. For you to seek out and pray for healing for yourself and/or your loved ones touched with abuse. And finally for you to be encouraged that though your own healing journey may be long it will be worth if we walk with Jesus. He goes before us and stays beside us.