Traveling the Infertility Roller Coaster

by Susan Porter –

 

For many years I traveled up and down the infertility-miscarriage roller coaster. Each day I plotted my temperature on a chart and often tears came to my eyes as I thought, no baby again this month. For five years the doctors administered the routine tests and found no reason for our infertility. Shortly after our decision to end treatment the doctor’s pregnancy test confirmed that I was pregnant. And then several weeks later as I lay on the ultrasound table they found no sign of the baby.

Again three years later I had another early miscarriage. “Why, Lord?” I often asked through tears. Through this ordeal God gave me the assurance of His love in Psalm 62:11-12:“One thing God has spoken two things have I heard: that you O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.”

Each time I attended a baby shower or someone announced that they were pregnant, I felt like a knife went through my heart. In those times I turned to God and found help.

Later as I met people who had also endured infertility and/or miscarriage, I offered them comfort and encouragement. The apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

I admired the diamond sapphire ring that I received for a tenth wedding anniversary present, but I lacked the most precious gift of all – a child. That year we did as the experts recommend. They agree that a couple should mourn the loss of the biological child they wanted, but never had. They must bury their imagined child, grieve their loss, and move on.

For some years I thought I lacked faith or really didn’t want children. Perhaps God was punishing me. One afternoon as I listened to a Christian radio show, an infertile woman shared that she wondered if God were punishing her by making her infertile. The Lord spoke to her from Luke 1:6-7 concerning Elizabeth and Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. They were righteous and barren. It felt like a weight dropped off of me. It was not because of my wickedness that I had no children. God didn’t want to punish me.

While we waited and decided where to go next in our journey through infertility, I found ways to serve God in the church and in other organizations. I assisted during the summers in Vacation Bible School and helped adults learn to read. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t have, I used my time, energies, talents, and gifts to serve God. I discovered that infertility and miscarriage didn’t make me incomplete or unfulfilled. They were opportunities to grow in trials and see them from God’s perspective.

Since high school Susan Porter has been published in Christian and secular magazines. When not writing Susan reads books by Jan Karon, Elisabeth Elliot, and other well known Christian authors. You can find more of her articles at Suite 101.com